Waiting. It seems to be something I’m getting quite good at.
Every month I wait. I wait for my period to end. I wait for the fertile window. I wait until I can’t wait any longer to take a test and I wait for the stick to have two pink lines.
But that hasn’t happened. Every month I continue to wait.
I see pregnancy announcement and after pregnancy announcement pop up on my news feed. I’m happy for them but at the same time it hurts. Why can’t I announce my pregnancy? Why can’t my positive pregnancy test turn up?
It’s hard. It’s hard to wait. I think one of the most heart aching things for me, is knowing that I lost my baby. I still sometimes ask why. Why did my baby have to die?
God has a purpose for why I wasn’t able to carry my baby. I may not understand it but I have learned to accept it. That doesn’t mean that I’ll never be able to carry another baby. I have faith and I trust that God will heal me. That He will allow me to get pregnant and carry my baby.
Now that doesn’t always make the waiting easy. It’s still heartbreaking every month when the positive pregnancy test I hope I get turns out to be negative. It doesn’t make it easy when I see someone announce their pregnancies. I’m still waiting.
Do you remember Sarah? Abraham’s wife? She waited on God’s promise for a long time. It wasn’t until she reached “old age” that she finally bore a son. Then there’s Rachel, she watched as her sister bore child after child until she finally conceived. What about Hannah? She prayed and prayed for a baby and God finally blessed her with Samuel. Don’t forget about Elizabeth. She was childless and then the Gabriel told her husband she would bare a son and call him John.
All these women in the Bible were also waiting on a promise. They had a desire in their heart to bare children, to be a mother and they were waiting on their promise. God heard their prayers and He answered.
Now that doesn’t mean that every prayer is going to be answered the way we want. He may have a different plan for you, for me. That plan could be pregnancy, adoption, fostering or encouraging women. It’s not easy not knowing what God’s story is for us. But we have to have faith. Even though waiting is hard, I will continue waiting because…
I’m waiting on a promise. I’m waiting for my baby.