I’ll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. My best friend had told me the night before that she was pregnant and we always thought it would be fun to be pregnant together. So the next day I was considering taking a pregnancy test but was hesitant because for 4 months I kept getting negatives. That night, when I finally talked myself into it the pregnancy test had an “error” when reading it. WHAT?! I finally built up the courage and it didn’t work! So I texted my honey and asked him if he could please pick up a test on his way home. He got home and I immediately took the test, waited three minutes and we were both saw the faintest second line. But just to confirm it, I drank a lot of water, took another test, waited three minutes, and once again the second line appeared. We were pregnant! Michael was going to be a BIG BROTHER!
The next day we let my family know and then his the day after with a cute little note that said “Dear Michael, There’s only so much that Santa can do, but don’t worry your wish will still come true. It won’t be delivered by Santa’s sleigh, your special gift is only 9 months away!” Our families were just as excited as we were. Then to top it off, my best friend and I were due 5 days apart! How much more perfect could life be at that moment.
Then, the next I noticed some discharge that wasn’t normal. But by the time I noticed it, called the doctor, the lab as closed and they couldn’t do any blood work. I went in first thing in the morning but by then I was already bleeding and by noon that day it was confirmed that I lost baby. I was in tears. I couldn’t believe it. How could my baby just die? Just a few short days ago we found out we were going to be parents, Michael was going to be a brother and now, it was over. It didn’t seem fair. After I grieved for about 24 hours, I wanted to move on. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I wanted to feel normal again.
Now, three months later, I’m still waiting for that second pink line to appear. I’ve reevaluated my point of view on pregnancy. I’ve completely given everything over to God because He is ultimately in control. I can’t make myself get pregnant, if I could control it, I would be 20 weeks pregnant right and finding out if I was having a son or daughter. God is writing my story, not me, and that’s what I take comfort in.
There’s a story in the Bible about King Nebuchadnezzar who built a statue and wanted the people to bow and worship him. Three men refused and were threatened with death. Their response was “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not… we want you to know, O king that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” – Daniel 3:17.
Those words: even if he does not…
I have encouraging verses, phrases or things to pray about on my bathroom mirror and one of them says “and if not HE is still good.” How can it be any more clearer than that. God is good all the time. Even if my life isn’t perfect, if it doesn’t go according to plan, I have hope in knowing that even if He does not heal me, if he doesn’t allow me to get pregnant again, He is still good.
My prayers haven’t been answered yet, but I have hope in Him. I have hope that one day, that second pink line will appear. That one day I will once again become a mom. That Michael will be a big brother.
But if not…He is still good.