You all know my story. But just in case you don’t, let me share. To start with, currently I’m not “infertile” based on the definition. I have a son, a beautiful little boy, but I want my son to become a big brother. That dream was going to come true this August. We found out in December that we were going to have a baby and 4 days later, that dream died. Since then, we have tried and tried and tried, but every month I get a negative test. It’s frustrating and it’s discouraging. I have my support system of ladies who understand what I’m going through because they have either been through it or are currently going through it. But, I want to make my story something encouraging to other women out there who are going through the same thing. Who will realize “I’m not alone in this.” Too many women find it embarrassing or personal to share and we find ourselves isolated. I’m not talking about parading around your miscarriages or conception struggles. I’m talking about being there to support the women who are going through it.
Every month, I go through the 5 Stages of Infertility. Now the 5 Stages of Infertility are the same as grief. The first stage is Denial. Every month, I’m in denial that I’m not pregnant. I think I’m pregnant and I want to be pregnant. Then I bargain. I pray and I pray that I’m pregnant. That all the symptoms I think or feel are actually pregnancy symptoms. I pray that this time, that this month, that stick will say “YES! YOU’RE PREGNANT!” But, then I get angry because it’s like “why?! why can’t I be pregnant! There are so many women who just get pregnant or who don’t want their baby and I’m over here begging for a baby.” Then I cry. I cry because I want to love on a baby. I want to grow our family. I want Michael to be an older brother. I want him and his baby brother or sister to be close in age and every month I’m not pregnant they slip further and further and further apart. Then, I accept that it’s just not mean to be yet. That God has a better plan, a better story that He is writing for me. Then next month, I do it all over again.
It’s an endless cycle. I try as hard as I possibly can to give everything over to God. To remember that the story He is writing is better than my own. That I will be a mom again in His time. I honestly, do feel more calm about trying to get pregnant again, but sometimes my desire to be a mom likes to makes itself known. I know I’m not alone in this, in fact, I’m even better off than some people because I have a son, I was able to get pregnant, some women haven’t been that lucky. Some women have decided to adopt (and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that, you are a mom whether you adopt or carry) and some women have decided that they are just not meant to have children and some women are still trying. So regardless of which story is being written for you, remember that God is writing you a beautiful one. If you’re going through these stages every month, remember, you’re not alone. There are so many women in this world going through the same thing. Find your support system and take comfort in God. He is there for you. Holding your hand through this. It may not feel like it, but He knows what He is doing. I’m going to leave you with one verse that spoke volumes to me today and that is Romans 8:18 “The pain that you have been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that is coming.”